With the Holidays fast approaching as parents we must prepare ourselves for the unsolicited parental advice from certain family members. <I must admit, luckily, this is NOT something I personally deal with> You may be bombarded with the mix of “new-age” parenting advice as well as the classic “back in my day” advice. Like I’ve mentioned I’m blessed to not have to personally deal with this, my family <in-laws included> are very supportive of my parenting style and they do not overstep boundaries. That being said, I have heard a lot of secondhand stories, and all sorts of crazy advice people have gotten from their family <and strangers!>! There are some pieces of advice that I must agree with, but one recent thing I’ve heard I cannot get behind… that piece of advice was “You shouldn’t make your children say they are sorry… EVER.” If this is something you do, I respect your decision to parent the way you see fit and the way that works best for your family, but I personally DO make my children say they’re sorry.
In my PERSONAL opinion an apology is not just about the person DOING the apologizing but also the person receiving said apology. I want my children to learn empathy and think of not just themselves but others as well. I believe one of the first ways I can teach them this is by having them apologize to those they have affected in a negative manner. When I have my children apologize for something they do, I don’t just tell them “GO SAY YOU”RE SORRY!”, this is not productive and not what I want to teach my children. I have a conversation with them about why they need to say they’re sorry, whether they hurt someone physically or emotionally, or perhaps just caused someone unintended stress or worry. I don’t think apologizing should be something done just to make them feel better, but really an apology should be about making the other person or people feel better. I want them to learn while apologizing, they should know why they are doing it and ways they can improve the situation. My middle child is only 2 ½ so I know his apologies are usually not sincere because he’s so young <his brain is not even developed enough to understand empathy> but I’m trying to lay the groundwork so as he grows and matures mentally he will understand how his actions DO in fact affect others.
I also believe that when people apologize, they are in a way owning up to their mistakes. They are taking responsibility for their actions and acknowledging that they know their actions have affected someone else in a negative manner. There are far too many adults that I have met in my lifetime that are incapable of admitting their shortcomings and owning up to their mistakes; I don’t want to see my children grow up to be like that. I want them to know it’s ok to make mistakes, everyone does, but when a mistake is made you can’t just ignore it and move on, you should try to improve the situation as best you can. I want my children to be confident enough to know that their mistakes don’t define them but how they recover from them is what really matters. I want them to fail, and learn, and hurt, because all these things are what helps to develop strong, independent, and confident adults. I want them to know that even though they are going to make mistakes and do things that disappoint me I will still love them because they are the most important part of me. They are my reason for being now. One way I show them this is by respecting them enough to practice what I preach and to apologize for my shortcomings. I lose my cool when they don’t deserve it but after things have calmed down, I talk to them about how I was feeling and why then let them know I AM SORRY. When I apologize to them, I don’t stop with “I’m sorry”, I talk to them about what I will do in the future to try to do better. I also explain that even though I’m an adult I still make mistakes and that I am still learning ways to be a better person because as long as we are alive, we should always work on being the best person we can possibly be.
In conclusion, I’m going to continue to make my children apology because that’s what feels right for me as a mother. Does this mean that I believe everyone should do this? Nope. Everyone parents different and that’s okay. That’s what makes us all grow up to be uniquely us. If we were all raised the same and we all raised our children the same it’d be an awfully boring world to live it, don’t you think? But next time you hear someone making their child apologize don’t assume they are a mean parent or that they don’t understand that their child may not “really” be sorry or understand the meaning behind the apology; know that they are parenting in a way that makes them feel like they are doing their best because at the end of the day isn’t that all what we are all trying to do?
Until next week,
-Tatum
